Moment of Clarity

Okay. I will be extremely honest with you all today. Last Monday, I looked myself in the mirror in a fitting room and cried. I didn’t like the way I looked in the clothes, I didn’t like the way I looked. PERIOD. I put the clothes on the rack and walked to my car and just cried. I ended up at the gym. That was something I know I could fix. I can look better with a little time at the gym.

Over the week I spent more time investing into my body. I found things that I could eat to make healthier choices. I found some clothes that flatter me. I spent some more time at the gym, and I talked to a few people for exercise advice. All of these things are just a part of me trying to make some changes so that I don’t look at myself with disgust when I try on clothes.

Today, I thought about how I do a lot of things and think a lot of things that are damaging to my soul. But when I have that moment of clarity, I don’t hurry and run to my Bible or talk to others that are deeper in the Word to help me through my struggles. I just struggle and let it be.

Yes, I’m making steps like showing up to what my church calls “Learning Zone” at 9am on Sunday and staying for service at 10:30. I know that’s not enough. I’ve been delaying finding someone who is in Christ but still in that early 30 range to candidly talk to about the REAL things that are going on in my life.

God is so good and he sees the mistakes I make before I make them. He knows that right now there are a few things this week that I’m going to do that probably aren’t the BEST ideas… BUT he still loves me.

I would really like for those of you who read this blog to really look at yourself in the mirror and look into your soul. So you go to church, what is something EXTRA you can do to thank God for allowing you to breathe today? What kind of praise can you give Him for allowing you to have a place to stay or a job that pays your bills? Can you read one scripture this week? Can you pray for people other than yourself? What steps can you take to make sure that when you look yourself in the mirror again, you see a better person?

Believe me, this week I will be doing the SAME thing.

Love,

BK

This is Hard, a True Struggle

I’m proud of myself in some areas and less proud in others. The book I mentioned last week (Not A Fan.) is getting more and more difficult to complete. It’s really some deep stuff. Today it asked me, “What am I enslaved to?” OK, I can maybe admit that. It then took it a step forward and told you to make an altar to it and kneel in front of it to worship. WHAT???? WHO DOES THAT??

I suppose we do equivalent things every day when we have time for everything/one else but God. I’m a HUGE victim of this. I had all sorts of meetings and events to go to this week and I’ve been stressing out like crazy, but yet I haven’t really laid my burdens on God.

I worry so much about the future and forget that every moment forthcoming is not guaranteed. I have to follow Jesus the best I can knowing that God is a understanding God.

I also have to start reading my Bible to really understand Jesus and develop a relationship with Him. I can read a fiction novel (especially romance) in NO TIME, but I don’t know the last time I actually sat down and read my Bible.

Sometimes I feel like I’m blocking myself from changing. Maybe it’s fear. No use sitting around and analyzing my problems when I can simply just take action. Hopefully the next time I write I will have made some improvements.

Love,

BK

Moving Forward

This last week has turned out to be pretty good. I have learned a lot about myself, and from some of the feedback from my posts I see that I am helping others. I have a new theme to share with you guys. It is “Moving Forward.” Last week, I purchased Jessica Reedy’s CD entitled “From the Heart.” Track number 14 on the CD is called Moving Forward. This song really fit with the direction of my spiritual, personal, and professional life.

Here are some lyrics to share:

I’m Not Going Back

I’m Moving Ahead

I’m Here to Declare to You

My Past is Over in You

Things are Made New

Surrender My Life to Christ

I’m Moving, Moving Forward

~~~~

You Make All Things New, You Make All Things New

I will Follow You, Forward

These words really define where I want my mindset to be. I am using this song to ground me and help me focus on what’s really important. God understands that I don’t/didn’t always make the best decisions, but He made my life new and gave me another chance to move forward and do better the next time.

Right now, I am in the midst of a corporate Bible Study with my church called “Not A Fan,” which is basically focused on following Jesus and not just being His fan. With Jessica Reedy’s song and this Bible Study, I hope I can keep Moving Forward and be the best person, daughter, family member, friend, and coworker I can be.

Check out Jessica’s song below, as well as the Not a Fan website and video: 

Love,

BK

Hurt People, Hurt People

The problem with a lot of us is that we really don’t take time to heal when we are hurt. The other day, I was thinking about some of the reasons I feel hurt, and a lot of the hurt really comes back to me. I had to admit that I ALLOWED someone to hurt me. I can’t place 100% of the blame on that person at all. Yes, that person consciously did some hurtful things, but I did participate in a situation that could be hurtful. So when you’re hurt, your ego is bruised and you direct all your anger toward one person when in reality you are upset at yourself for not seeing through that person. Upset for not stopping the situation at a certain point.

I’m slowly realizing that ok, B, you have to take some of the blame on this one. There was no way this person could do ALL that to you without your active participation. Now, after acceptance, I have to just enjoy myself and the great things that are happening in my life so that I can fully heal. I told one of my friends that if today, I met someone new and he’s like “hey, can I take you out on a date?” I would probably ask him to call me in a month and ask me again. I don’t want the next person in my life to be a rebound or replacement. I want them to have my full attention.

Hurt People, Hurt People. That is the simplest way to say it. If we are still hurt, then somehow or another, we will hurt someone else. I have to let God have his way in my life so that I don’t hurt someone else and so that when I smell the scent of upcoming hurt, I know how to handle myself better. I will know when I need to adjust, stay, or walk away.

I truly have to meditate on 1 Corinthians 13. If someone is selfish, mean, never there, impatient… that’s not love! To keep from hurting we really need to understand what TRUE LOVE is, so that when someone comes around and they don’t understand what LOVE is, you know in your heart that although they may feel love for you they might not truly LOVE you the way you deserve to be loved.

I am declaring to myself through my process of healing, that I will pray to God to remove all the weight from my heart. I don’t want to be bitter; I don’t want to be hurt. I want to love like I have never loved before. Today in Bible study before church, a man commented saying that when Jesus said we have to deny ourselves, it’s kind of comparable to when you are married and your wife is stuck on the side of the road and you have to DENY yourself watching the football game to go to wherever she is and get her. That to me is the maturity needed to truly love. Deny yourself and what you want for the good of the other person.

I refuse to continue the cycle. I will not allow my hurt to assist me in hurting someone else. Loved people, Love People.

Love,

BK

Holiness Isn't Cool

I’ve really been meditating on this phrase that my pastor brought up for a couple weeks. It’s really true. Why do we do wrong? We do wrong because holiness doesn’t really seem that cool or appealing, especially as a young adult. In Crazy Love, Chan talks about giving God leftovers. That is probably the hardest thing that I deal with right now as I try to strengthen my relationship with God. When will I give God time, when there are so many other things I need to do as well?

It’s really funny because when we like someone, we want them to call us and text us and spend time with us, and MAKE TIME for us in their lives. I suppose that’s what God is doing all the time. He’s watching us go about our daily lives and wondering if we will ever “check-in” with him periodically throughout the day. God doesn’t want JUST the good morning text or good night text, He wants a real conversation. He wants us to really care about Him and His good works.

I’ll admit that God has been getting some good night texts from me. I’m struggling with really integrating (and I’m sure God would hate that word since He should be the priority) God into my life. Chan mentions how we like to compare and pick and choose what we will give up for God. He writes as someone speaking to God, “You see I really like my car, or my little sin habit, or my money, and I’m not really sure I want to give them up, even if it means I get You.” I feel that way all the time! I like going out to parties with my friends! So I have to give up parties to have a complete relationship with God??? That right there is probably why a lot of people who aren’t Christians or who aren’t in the Church see Christians as hypocrites. A lot of non-Christians would probably be more apt to become Christians if they saw the Christians in their life actually do right.

Remember though, holiness isn't cool.How can I as a young adult have fun, but please God at the same time? I need some ideas!!!! I want to be on the right path and I want to have a better relationship with God… but gee whiz it sure is a struggle! It’s time to hype the holy!

Here is a link to my pastor’s sermon: Revival on 'H' Street; Pastor Ronald Crawford, New Vision Church, Bowie, Maryland. (You can start around the 11 minute mark) On a few parts of the video he has the church listening to the Bible and you can't hear that. Sorry for that technicality, but its a great sermon!

With Love,

BK

Where Do I Start??

It’s really easy to say that I am going to dedicate more of my time and life to God. The hardest part is doing it. I woke up this morning really thinking about how messed up everything is and was really upset about a situation I let myself go through. I think the worst part was that I KNEW this outcome was inevitable. God will definitely let you get hurt when you go against His will.

A few months ago I started reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, but I really wasn’t giving it the time and effort it deserved (i.e. reading it on the Metro in the morning… yea like that’s going to work). I decided to start the book again, with my Bible in hand in a quiet place. This book is really about falling in love with God and really just becoming overwhelmed by him. After reading the first chapter [again], I really realized that God has been telling me for months to leave the old situation alone and let Him bring me a Man of God that He created just for me. He is a great enough God to make anything happen. I can take one look outside and see the beauty of this world and be convinced that God is amazing. Is having a man all I want? No, there are a lot of other things I want as well, but this blog will mostly focus on my relationship with God becoming more important than my relationships with imperfect people.

So again, it is easy to say that I will trust in God to put the right people in my life. I know how I am. I HATE being alone. I like having a guy to talk to or call or text whenever I want to. I love attention from guys. This process will definitely be hard for me because instead of acting on my own, I have to wait for God’s sign that I can let someone in my life.

The first step to spending “cuffing season” with God for me is to admit my shortcomings to God and pray that He will help me get over them. I let a lot of things happen that I am not proud of, but instead of dwelling in my mistakes and staying upset at HUMANS, I have to allow God to work through me.

So I guess I will start from there…

For your reading pleasure: Crazy Love by Francis Chan http://crazylovebook.com/

I have decided to be 'Handcuffed' To God

Over the last few weeks, I have felt God’s nudge to me to spend more time with Him. I know he wants my attention, but I have been focused on a lot of things other than Him. Well finally, God has sent me the OBVIOUS message that it is time to let some things *AHEM* -- people go from my life and put Him first.

So I’m sure you all know its CUFFING SEASON!! If you don’t know what that is, it’s when you meet someone around October and spend time with them all winter and then when the spring comes… it either works out or it doesn’t. You just had someone to spend your lonely winter nights with and get to play the field in the spring and summer. Last year, I definitely participated in cuffing season and it didn’t lead to anything but heartache and pain.

This winter I have decided to spend cuffing season with God. I want to get to know Him better and know what He wants from me and what my purpose in life is. My prayer is that at the end of this “season” my relationship with God will work out and I will see things a lot clearer and know my worth.

I am going to be blogging periodically about my struggles and triumphs through my process of my budding relationship with God. Hopefully, writing this blog will make me more accountable for my decision and bless others who are in similar situations. I know it definitely won’t be easy, and I’m sure I will stumble at some point, but I have faith that my life will be transformed immensely.

With Love,

BK